T The Questions That Have No Answer

Is it so hard for everyone who finds themselves in this state of limbo to operate properly on a daily basis?

How can I remain genuine when all my smiles are forced, all my laughter hollow, and only on rare occasions am I granted the gift of true happiness and joy?

Is it harder to anticipate grief, or actually actively processing them, when the worst happens?

Will it be easier after her passing, knowing she no longer has to suffer in that hospital, locked inside her declining mind and body? Or will it be harder still, having lost one of the most important people in my life?

Will my family, standing as we are on such muddy ground, emerge from this stronger and more united? Or will we simply drift apart?

Will there be blame cast across the room? Or will we each retreat to our separate corners, quietly processing what we have lost?

Tom told me, quite rightly, that the grandmother I knew, the one who was fully and vibrantly part of my life, was lost to us a few years ago. What I have now is merely a reminiscence of who she was and who I had.

She only returned to me from time to time, when the fog over her mind briefly cleared and she became her bright, sharp self once more.

But then I must ask myself: am I simply holding on to the knowledge that her body is still with us, and to those fleeting moments when she is still herself? Or have I, in truth, already grieved her during the long years we spent enduring the changes she went through?

These are valid questions, all of them.

But who knows the answers? Loss is loss, and it is always painful, no matter how long ago the fight against a fatal illness like dementia and later the final stage pancreatic - colon cancer began.

We have all lost her. We have all grieved, regardless of whether she is still here with us in human form or not.

But of all of us, it is my grandmother who has lost the most. She has had to part with herself, with her memories, her identity, her family, so many times, only to welcome them all back just as often.

The confusion and self-doubt must be the most terrifying of all she endures. I only hope that soon she will not have to bear it any longer. Even though I love her with all my heart, I wish for the outcome that is kindest to her in the end.